Q&A with Author
- You describe your book as “a parable for our time.” What do you mean by that?.
Sexual compulsion ranks as the number one problem for Christian men. It is destroying families—it nearly destroyed mine. Men
caught up in sexual sin are living a double life: outwardly they appear to be godly men, but inside they are being consumed by guilt
and shame. That’s why I wrote the book in the form of a simple parable, so readers could see themselves in the story.
Why is sexual addiction on the rise in the Christian community?
I think it’s harder for a man who claims to follow Christ to admit he’s weak in this area. There is a legitimate fear that this kind of
sexual sin won’t be understood. So he’s afraid to reach out for help. That’s why it’s the woman who usually discovers her husband
using pornography rather than the husband admitting to it.
Why are most churches hesitant to address the problem?
Let’s face it. Pornography is an uncomfortable subject. And there is a lack of understanding about sexual addiction. That’s one of
the reasons I wrote the book—to give pastors an inside look at what a couple goes through as they try to rebuild a marriage torn
apart by pornography. I think churches are missing a great opportunity to help people in need and in the process build stronger
Christians.
What about those who say that pornography is harmless?
I used to tell myself that I wasn’t hurting anyone. But I knew deep down that pornography was chipping away at my character. I
knew I was betraying my wife and pushing God out of my life. I can testify that pornography can shatter a marriage, and it’s only by
the grace of God that my wife and I have been able to restore it.
What about those who say that pornography is educational?
I would agree that pornography is educational. It teaches that sex is cheap and nasty and often violent. It teaches that sex is a
mechanical act devoid of beauty, personal relationship, or love. Pornography teaches a distorted view of authentic sexuality.
Would you describe what happened the night your wife discovered your secret?
I’ll never forget it. When I reached the top of the stairs, my wife was standing there holding up a list of porn sites. Her face was full
of anger. “Does this look familiar?” she said. It was the lowest point of my life. We argued for a while, and I remember sitting on the
sofa reading an article she printed out about sexual addiction and wondering how my life could have gone so far off course. I didn’t
want to accept that I had a serious problem, but as I read the article, I realized I was reading about myself.
Do you think that using pornography is the same as committing adultery?
I do. I didn’t want to think of it that way when I was using porn, because I didn’t want to face up to what I was doing. But, in fact, I
was betraying my wife with my thoughts, which is where all sin originates. I was in such denial that I couldn’t let myself consider the
possibility that pornography could destroy my marriage. And that was one of the clearest signs that I had a problem—I was willing
to risk losing my family.
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What are some other signs?
The need for greater frequency and intensity. I was staying up later each night and getting up earlier in the morning to look at
pornography. I would look at pornography whenever I was home alone. I looked at pornography at work. It had gradually taken
over my life. Another sign is that you’ve tried to quit but couldn’t.
You write about attending a workshop on sexual purity. How did that help you?
It helped me to see that I wasn’t alone, that there were other Christian men with the same problem. It also forced me to look at how
much I had hurt my wife. And it helped me see that God uncovered my sin because he loved me and wanted to rescue me, like a
shepherd going after a lost sheep. Attending that workshop also showed my wife that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to
restore our marriage.
Was it hard to admit your problem to men at the workshop?
It was something I had dreaded, but once I began to talk, I felt a tremendous sense of relief. These men had been there. They
understood. It was so freeing to openly confess my sins. I had been living a secret life and it was eating me up inside. That's the
Catch-22 of sexual sin: you need to reach out for help, but you’re afraid no one will understand. When I came back from the
workshop, it was very hard to open up to my pastor, but it was something I needed to do.
What kind of advice did your pastor give you?
He didn’t have any experience with sexual addiction, but he was a good listener. He assured me that God had forgiven me, and he
was glad I had confided in him. We prayed together, and I was able to talk about other sins from my past that still haunted me. And
we went over a list of changes I had promised my wife I would make.
What were some of the changes you agreed to make?
Besides giving up pornography, I promised to meet with a Christian therapist once a week for six months. I also made a commitment
to read the Bible and pray for at least ten minutes every day, and to meet with an accountability partner once a week to talk about
our ups and downs.
How did going to a Christian therapist help you?
First of all, it helped me to be honest with myself. Even after the workshop, I was still in denial. I remember the first time I met with
the therapist, how I kept saying the words “my problem.” Every time I said “my problem,” he would stop me and say, “What
problem is that?” He wanted me to say that I had been looking at pornography on the Internet. It really annoyed me at first, but
eventually I realized why he was doing it. He was telling me that words mattered. I couldn’t be honest with him unless I could first be
honest with myself. Over time, I discovered that there were a lot of things in my life that I had to let go of, not just pornography. I
had a lot of unresolved anger, resentment, and self-loathing—all of which were strongholds of the enemy. One of the things I had to
work through was anger toward my grandmother, who verbally abused me when I was a child. For most of my life, I had buried that
hurt. Even though I had a wife and children who loved me, I felt unworthy of their love because I had been told repeatedly as child
that I was no good.
You and your wife were very open with your kids. What do you think they learned?
They watched their mom and dad work through a very difficult time in our marriage—my wife and I were on the brink of divorce
several times—and they’ve seen God work a miracle in our lives. They’ve seen first-hand the damage that pornography can do.
They’ve learned that we are all sinners, and they’ve learned a lot about repentance. So did I. Repentance means a lot more than just
being sorry. It means humbling yourself before the people you love and confessing your weaknesses. It means dying to your old way
of living. It means inviting God to do a root canal on your heart.
What is your relationship like now with your wife and kids?
I am much more relaxed now that I don’t have to try be perfect all the time. I know that my wife and my kids love me as I am, warts
and all. I can’t tell you how great a feeling that is. I think it burns out a lot of men having to always pretend that they’re strong, even
when they may be hurting and scared.
This is such a personal and private experience. Why did you decide to write about it?
As a writer, I felt strongly called from the beginning to record what we were going through. I didn’t know how our story would turn
out, but I knew that if God did restore our marriage, I had to tell others what God had done for us. I wanted to tell the story in a way
that would help people understand the challenges a couple goes through in trying to rebuild a relationship shattered by sexual sin. So
I decided to write it in the form of a simple parable.
What else have you learned from this experience?
I’ve learned that God has a sense of humor. I think the reason He made men and women so different was to force us to take the
time to try to understand each other’s needs and be willing to give our love selflessly. This is not an easy thing to do, and it’s the
opposite of what pornography is about. Pornography requires nothing of you. It is a selfish and immature response to a legitimate
need for a loving relationship. The most important thing I discovered was that the characteristics I needed to develop to get closer to
my wife and children were the same ones I needed to develop to get closer to God—humility, honesty, devotion, and self-discipline.
When did you start to believe that your marriage might be saved?
I’ll admit there were many days when I fought with God and doubted that God would restore our marriage. But the more I sought
God, the more He softened my heart, and slowly my wife began to see a change. Even in the early days, there were moments of
hope. A couple of nights after I came back from the workshop, my wife invited me to dance in our living room and we rolled up the
rugs and slow-danced. It was as if all the barriers between us had vanished and all the hurt had been washed away. It was a beautiful
moment, but it was a long time before we would have a moment like that again. Looking back, I can see that it was the hand of God
giving us a glimpse of the kind of intimacy we could have.
What’s the hardest part of rebuilding a marriage shattered by pornography?
Trust is the first casualty, and trust is the most difficult thing to restore. I’ll never forget the moment I fully realized how badly I had
damaged our relationship. I felt a profound emptiness, as if my wife’s trust was a living organism that had been ripped from deep
inside of me. I doubted she would ever trust me again, and it has taken years to regain a measure of trust.
How do you go about rebuilding trust?
Rebuilding trust takes time, but time alone won’t restore it. I had to prove I could be trusted. I had to learn to accept that my wife
would be suspicious of even the smallest things—if I took longer than usual at the grocery store, she’d ask why it took so long. I
often got angry when she questioned me, and my anger only made her doubt me more. I had to accept that she had every right to
doubt me. After all, I had lied to her for a long time. I had to learn to swallow my pride and calmly take time to reassure her that I
was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing.
Are you more open and honest with your family now?
Yes. Like most men, I thought I always had to appear to have it all together, so it was hard for me to admit when I was wrong. I
made it hard for my family to get close to me. I’m a lot better about that now, but it’s still something I have to work on.
Have you ever been tempted to look at pornography again?
It may seem surprising, but I have never been tempted to go back to it. I think the pain my wife and I felt as a result of my
pornography use was so intense that I now associate pornography with pain rather than pleasure.
What would you say to men who feel hopelessly trapped in sexual sin?
I would say to them that there is a way out of that prison, and that God will give you the grace you need. But first you must take
responsibility for betraying your wife and turning from God, and then you must seek help. Only by being honest with yourself can you
begin to take the necessary steps to restore your marriage. The bottom line is that sexual sin is a choice.
Has this been hard to talk about?
Yes. One of the toughest parts of this journey for me was accepting that lust is a weakness of mine. I was trying to live a Christian
life, but the enemy knew exactly where to attack. Eventually, I realized I could help others by talking about my weakness and how
God’s power is revealed in our weakness.
How is it possible to avoid temptation in a culture that is saturated with sex?
Our culture encourages self-indulgence to such a degree that self-control seems to be an outdated concept. But self-control is central
to the Christian life. The reality is that you can’t always avoid sexual temptation, but I make every effort to avoid as much of it as I
can. My wife and I don’t go to movies with strong sexual content. We don’t keep magazines or catalogs around that house that
could be a source of temptation. We have an Internet filter on our computer. If I’m watching TV and a provocative scene or
commercial comes on, I’ll change the channel or walk out of the room. When I’m out and an attractive woman walks by, I still
notice, but I don’t let my eyes linger the way I used to. I’ve developed a heightened awareness to sexual temptation.
You gave your testimony before 100 men. What was that like?
Fifteen months after I attended a workshop on sexual integrity, I was invited to give my testimony at the same workshop. I felt a
strong call to tell these men my story because I had been where they were. I knew what they were thinking—Was there really a
chance they could restore their marriages? I gave it to them straight—the good, the bad, and the ugly about what my wife and I had
gone through. Afterward, several men told me I had given them hope. When I got back to my room, I thanked God for using me. I
had never felt such a strong sense of purpose. I had already been writing the book, but after that night, I was more committed than
ever.
What should a woman do if she suspects her husband is hooked on pornography?
I’m not a therapist, but based on my own experience and the research I’ve done, I’d say that the first thing she should do is to
confront him and let him know she isn’t going to tolerate sexual sin. Your husband’s soul and your self-respect are at stake. Expect
him to lie about how often he looks at pornography and deny that he has a problem. Don’t be surprised if he tries to blame you in
some way. It’s a common defense, but understand that you are not the problem.
Aren’t there those who resist calling this an addiction?
Some people shy away from the word “addiction” because they think it lets the offender off the hook, that he’s not responsible for
his behavior. But whether you call it addiction, compulsion, or obsession, sexual sin is a choice. Just as a smoker can become
addicted to nicotine and manage to go cold turkey, so can a sexual addict. It’s important not to get hung up on terms, but there is
solid evidence that viewing pornography causes the brain to produce chemicals that are as addictive as alcohol, cocaine and even
heroin. Like other addictions, sexual addiction is a misguided attempt to fill a void that only God can fill.
Are some men more predisposed to this problem than others?
Research in the early ’90s concluded that the overwhelming majority of men who had problems with sexual compulsion had
experienced some form of abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional. But since the advent of the Internet—and the hyperstimulation it
provides—a growing number of experts report that people are having problems with sexual obsession who never would have had
them before. It’s a scary thought, especially when you consider the implications for our children.
Is it really necessary to take an inventory of your life?
One reason people get hooked on pornography is that it’s a form of medication. You need to do a lot of soul-searching to find out
what you are trying to run away from or what unhealthy attitudes you have that prevent you from having healthy, loving relationships.
In my case, because of the verbal abuse I suffered as a child, I felt I didn’t deserve love, that I was unlovable. Pornography was a
way to subdue those feelings. But the most important thing I learned from all the soul-searching was that what was lacking in my life
was an intimate connection with the God who created me. Nowadays, I sometimes tease my wife by saying, “You’re the second
most important thing in my life,” to which she always responds, “I’m okay with that."
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