Chapter 1
“Nothing
is covered up that will not be uncovered,
And
nothing secret that will not become known.”
--Luke 12:2
It had been a day like any other for the
Man, but his picture-perfect marriage was about to collapse. When he reached
the top of the stairs, the Woman was waiting for him, holding up a single sheet
of paper.
“Does
this look familiar?” she asked, angrily.
The
blood drained from his face. He was staring at a list of pornographic Web
sites. The Woman had caught him--again. The first time, the Man had told her
he had only done it twice, which was a lie, and promised never to do it again.
But over the past year his habit had gotten worse.
“How often do you do this?” the Woman
demanded. She was hurt and confused. The Man could not tell her the truth.
“Just
once in a while,” he said, unconvincingly.
The
Woman asked again, “How often?” The Man labored to come up with an answer she
would accept.
“Almost
every day,” he said, afraid to be totally honest.
It was
more than the Woman wanted to hear.
“How
could you do this?” she asked, her voice trembling.
The
Man tried to defend himself and said, “Maybe if we had sex more often, I
wouldn’t have needed to.” He knew his words were unfair.
“You
can’t blame me for this!” the Woman shouted. Her mind was racing. All she knew
for sure right now was that she couldn’t live with a man who couldn’t live without
pornography. She wanted to grab a heavy object and throw it at the
The
Man cringed when he saw the title “Sexual Addiction” in large type. He went
through a list of questions: Yes, he had taken risks to look at porn. Yes, he
had been spending more and more time with it. Yes, he had tried to stop on many
occasions. The questions progressed to phone sex, prostitution, extra-marital
affairs, and more. The Man was ashamed to have the Woman see him this way. He
put down the article and looked up at her.
“Why is this happening?” the Woman
asked. She desperately wanted to understand. The Man shook his head. He didn’t
have a good answer for her or for himself. They argued for a long time, and
afterwards the Man agreed to sleep in the extra room.
When he crawled into bed, he pulled
the covers over his head, hoping to hide from the unpleasant reality that
Internet pornography had taken over his life. For the past two years, he had
regularly visited porn sites at work, putting his job, his reputation, and his
family’s security in jeopardy. He had stayed up late at night and gotten up
early in the morning to look at porn. He had looked at porn whenever the Woman
left the house. He had told himself that what he was doing was harmless. But
deep down he had known that each time he did it he was betraying his wife,
separating himself from God, and chipping away at his character. He had prayed
for the strength to stop, but he kept going back to it.
The
Man awoke at
“Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy
in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons
who need no repentance.”(Luke 15:7)
Before
he drifted back to sleep, the Man understood three things:
God had already forgiven him.
His wife might not.
His life would never be the same.
Chapter 2
“Wretched
man that I am!
Who
will rescue me from this body of death?”
--John 12:35
The Man couldn’t face the Woman today. Last night, she had forced him to look in the mirror, and he didn’t like what he saw: a man who had risked his marriage, his family, and his soul for make-believe sex with nameless strangers.
As he drove away from the house, he attempted to reconcile his pornography obsession with the rest of his life. He loved his wife. He was a good father. He went to church every Sunday. He was active in ministry. He was successful in his career, well respected and well liked.
So why was he
drawn to pornography?
Hadn’t he been introduced to sex like most boys of his generation, through the photos in Playboy magazine? He had ogled women as far back as he could remember. Wasn’t that his entitlement as a red-blooded American male? Wasn’t it natural that he would eventually be lured by the Internet, which offered unlimited variety and complete anonymity? To justify his preoccupation with sex, the Man had told himself throughout most of his adult life that he probably had a stronger than average libido. Today, it sounded like a pitiful excuse.
At sunset, the Man headed home. What could he say to the Woman? That he was sorry? He had been sorry a year ago, but he had continued to betray her. The Man entered the house and went into the extra bedroom. He sat in the dark and began to cry. After a few minutes, the Woman came to the door.
“Where did you go today?” she asked, with no emotion in her voice.
“I just drove around,” the Man said. “I needed some time to think.”
“I did a lot of thinking too,” the Woman said.
The Man was silent.
“I’m not going to live with this,” she stated, calmly.
The Man knew the Woman well enough to know that she meant it.
“How could you do this to us?” she asked. The question hung in the air for a while, and then the Woman left the room.
The next morning, the Man reluctantly called about a Workshop he had heard about on a Christian radio station. It was hard for the Man to admit to the person at the other end of the line that he struggled with pornography. The voice on the phone said there would be a Workshop next month in a nearby city. The voice also said he could recommend counselors who specialized in sexual addiction. The Man felt as if he were acting out a scene in someone else’s life.
At
Later that evening, the family watched a PG-13 video that contained a brief scene with several young women in bikinis. The scene was not overtly sexual, but it was provocative enough to make the Man uncomfortable and send the Woman out of the room in a huff. The Man followed her downstairs.
”I guess you’re enjoying yourself,” she said, crossly. The Man tried to change the subject.
“I don’t think the movie’s very funny,” he said.
The Woman glared at him.
“How do I know what you’re thinking when you look at things like that?” she asked.
The Man sensed that this was a question that would linger in the Woman’s mind for a long time. Why shouldn’t it? Hadn’t he given her the impression that he was too weak to resist any sexual temptation? He wondered if they would ever be comfortable watching TV together again.
In the midst of that thought, the Woman asked, “Why haven’t you opened the e-mail we got about the Workshop?”
“I just haven’t been ready to look at it yet,” the Man said.
“You don’t want to face this,” the Woman said, pressing him.
No, I don’t, thought the Man, but he said, “I’ll look at it tomorrow.”
They exchanged harsh words for a long time, until there was nothing left to say. The Man went to his room and opened his journal. He needed to wrap himself in a happy memory of the way things once were. He began to write:
If I could pick
one scene from our life together to live out through eternity, it would be the
time we kissed on your sofa. It was the most tender and intimate expression of
our love, you and I lost in each other’s arms. Maybe I loved you at first
sight, but kissing you that night was the first expression of that love. From
the moment we met, you filled my heart with feelings I didn’t know I could
feel. All I wanted to do that night was hold you forever and look into your
eyes. Once we kissed, I wanted to kiss you forever. I would do anything to
recapture that closeness.
He
wondered if they would ever feel that way about each other again.
The next morning, the Man started to cry when he read the e-mail about the sexual purity Workshop. The comments of people who had attended gave him hope, but a part of him didn’t want to admit that he needed help. He simply wanted all of this to go away. Finally, he got up and walked into the kitchen.
“What did the e-mail say?” the Woman asked.
“I think I should go,” the Man said, solemnly. “I need help.”
“I think you should go, too,” the Woman said. She saw that the Man’s eyes were red, and she wanted to comfort him. But something held her back. They had faced many challenges in their years of marriage and had always been able to draw on each other’s strength. This was different. They were at war with each other, even as they were trying to survive as a couple.
For the next two weeks, the Man and the Woman went about the business of living as best they could, but anxiety was never far below the surface. By Thanksgiving evening, the charade was wearing thin, and the Woman accused the Man of having an affair.
“I’ve never been unfaithful to you,” the Man responded.
“What you’ve done on the Internet is the same thing,” the Woman shot back. “Doesn’t the Bible say that if a man lusts in his heart, he is committing adultery? In your mind you’ve had sex with lots of women.”
The Man tried to assure her that he had never been with another woman, but she only got angrier. The Woman knew that the Man routinely lied about little things to avoid looking bad. Why would he admit to having an affair when their marriage was hanging by a thread?
“What about our friends?” the Woman asked, growing more agitated. “Have you ever lusted after any of their wives?”
The Man said nothing.
The Woman was voicing all the doubts she had harbored over the years, as well as new doubts the Man had put in her mind. She had reached her breaking point.
“Our marriage is over!” she said through gritted teeth. Her words and the hatred on her face cut like a knife. The Man could see no love left in her eyes, only the pain of betrayal. How could she ever trust him again? The Man felt a profound emptiness, as if the Woman’s trust were a living organism that had been ripped from deep inside of him.
The battle of words escalated, and the Woman began to hit the Man on his chest and arms. He pushed her away, but she kept coming back, each time with increasing fury. In frustration, the Man shoved her and she fell to the floor. It felt like the end of the world to both of them. The Woman got up and left the room, and the Man silently prepared for bed. He prayed for sleep to come quickly.
The Man awoke during the night with a gnawing in his stomach. The beautiful girl he fell in love with was in more pain than he could ever have imagined himself causing her. He asked God to ease her suffering. Then he prayed, “Please, God, have mercy. Please, God, help us.”
------------------------------
It was morning, and sunlight filled the room. The Man was curled up under the covers, praying, “God have mercy on us. Please help us.” The Workshop was two weeks away, and the Man wondered if he and the Woman would still be together then. After last night, he was only sure of one thing:
He needed a miracle.